The One About Smoking


One of the great regrets in my life is that I never really took up smoking.

Now, before I continue I should at this point issue A Qualifier—perhaps a whole set of such—as to not immediately receive hate mail and well-meaning missives informing me that smoking is bad for my health.

The Qualifiers, before I continue making a public statement on the Internet, are as follows:

a) No, I do not actually plan on taking up smoking.

b) Yes, I do know that smoking is bad for my health.

c) Yes, I do know that smoking just doesn’t impact me, but those around me.

d) And no, this post should not be interpreted in any way as an actual endorsement of the act of smoking, especially as it relates to the Younglings.

The necessary qualifiers out of the way, let me continue my de facto romanticization of smoking.

Now, I HAVE smoked in my lifetime (Qualifier: by using the verb “smoke” within this sentence and any other sentences in this piece, I am not referring to the “Wacky Tobacky”). (Qualifier: but by distancing myself in this piece from the Wacky Tobacky, it is neither an implied condemnation of said Wacky Tobacky, nor is it an endorsement.) (Indeed: it is very important to me that you do not incorrectly interpolate that I have any real opinions of any kind.)

But I never really learned how to smoke correctly. Rather, I would smoke in this half-assed ineffective manner as a child who does not know how to whistle tries to whistle whilst walking through a spooky cemetery at midnight.

I didn’t know how to inhale. I know that sounds like a Bill Clinton joke (perhaps, given the full context of the post, several), but it’s the truth.

So even when I wanted to smoke, could smoke, was in the presence of other enthusiastic smokers…I couldn’t actually smoke. Because I was a dumbass.

But I always found the look…the idea…of smoking to be rather cool. Especially in black-and-white; perhaps as shot through the pee-colored filters of 1970’s “outlaw” cinema as well.


Welp, I promised myself to write at least one post a day starting in July and so here you go.

That’s all you get.

Goodbye for today.

No, you really have to leave now.