I have news for you folks: reality is indeed a computer simulation!

Unfortunately, it’s The Oregon Trail.

As I apologized for yesterday on Twitter, I tend to “like” and retweet posts a lot because that’s my bookmarking system. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Hey look, here’s a funny tweet:

Don’t you love these far-right “liberty and freedom against tyranny” peeps who were really just waiting for the most fascist racist white autocrat to come along & then dropped their martyr act? This is why Twitter is great—I get to learn more about humanity!

Here’s another gem I found on Twitter: Jared Kushner before and after the brain worms from the planet Argo attached themselves to his corpus callosum:

I mean, this is some sad, profound shit! Just look at Jared’s “before” pictures! I would have actually done this guy! He had fucking *dimples* for crying out loud!

Now, I feel have to raise the point again: where are all these alt-right tea-party conspiracy-heads who were studying pics of Obama, Hillary, George Soros, etc. attempting to reveal that they were the Antichrist? Why are they not out in full force scrutinizing this Jared stuff, as well as the entire profane symbology of Trump himself? Have these peeps not actually read the Bible? (Narrator: “They haven’t.”) All the Bible ever DOES is warn about peeps like Donald Trump! In fact, the only reason I still give the Bible a modicum (a modicum) of the time of day is because Jesus apparently got this “HYPOCRITES!” thing 150% right.

But I digress.

Here’s some interesting bits that are happening in the world:

• Brainy Smurf is dead.
• Reuters has talked to six sex shops in Columbia and has thus concluded that sales of vibrators are both recession- and coronavirus-proof.
• We may have an online San Diego Comic-Con.
• Surprising no one, pro-wrestling has been considered an “essential business” in Florida amidst the COVID-19 epidemic.
• Nude scene from Splash clumsily edited out because “Disney Plus” that’s why.
• We may be reeling with some of the worst fatalities and economic carnage we’ve seen in a while, but at least we’re getting that Chuck live table-read!
• And those scamps at SCS Entertainment, never to let a viral conspiracy-theory fad pass them by, has apparently come out with…5G Zombies:

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People still ask me: “Val, are you OK?”

and I say:

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Finally some plugs (for myself, I’m a bit of a secretly self-hating narcissist) and housekeeping:

• My Patreon is a mess & I haven’t cashed out in a few months, but why not make me momentarily happy?
• Or just go on Paypal.
• Or buy me a book dammit I’m bored.
• Or some toys (I was deprived as a child!)
• I have a Twitter! Follow it! Don’t just stand there!
• Or check out my modest YouTube channel! Follow that too! And hit “subscribe!” That algorithm’s not gonna optimize itself!
• Need to discredit me due to some obscure personal vendetta? Why not check out my more esoterically-leaning site Go Ask VALIS?

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My personal “monkey’s paw” situation: