I Know Nothing About “The Witcher,” But Henry Cavill Sure Is Fine

Yes, in one of the worst posts in my long and storied career, I confirm not only that I have almost NO knowledge of what The Witcher is (it’s like a book mixed maybe a video game?), but I’m suddenly willing to watch this new movie (or mini-series, or whatever the heck it is) based almost solely on Henry Cavill’s presence in it.

Yes, it’s like Benioff and Weiss’ explanation on why they didn’t read the Game of Thrones books thoroughly enough, but even worse…no doubt justifying the reasoning of some bean-counter at Netflix that they need the hottest guy possible to be in this production in order to get the soccer mom viewership.

he is MISUNDERSTOOD!! (will *anybody* help him???)

Henry Cavill in this trailer looks like if you crossed Fabio with…Henry Cavill. I’m not sure what’s going on in it, but it seems as if Cavill’s character (uh…”Witcher”? The details escape me) is being unfairly persecuted as some type of “freak” (perhaps because of his luxurious long white hair that flows like an angel in the middle of the brimstone-streaked moors). This injustice must not happen to Cavill’s character! I hereby resolve to write Witcher fan fiction in which **everybody loves and respects him**!!!

If you recall, Henry Cavill is that guy (which my phone just autocorrected as “god”) with an immense talent who was completely squandered as Superman in the Snyderverse. It’s like the producers of Man of Steel were handed the most perfect, naturally charismatic actor for the role and then decided to drain him (oh, and the film) of anything even remotely joyous or fun.

Henry Cavill: an immense…*talent*!

Think about it…that guy from the TV show Chuck was able to make a more enjoyable and successful superhero movie as Shazam than Snyder did with Cavill.

And I immediately knew that Henry Cavill was indeed a highly charming actor who would (had he been allowed to) have made a great Superman, because I saw the 2015 movie The Man From UNCLE and if I could literally marry a film and take its Blu-ray to bed with me like an anime body-pillow I’d do so with The Man From UNCLE.

And The Witcher is going to be just as great, and I’m totally going to delve into the source material like **a true fan** (maybe) (if I have time) (life gets in the way).

no mustaches were digitally removed during the making of The Witcher

Hallelujah and pass the Tylenol! This is indeed the worst, most lazy post I’ve ever written, cravenly copping to the dankest of Mary Sue fangirl stereotypes! (Did I use “dankest” correctly here?) (hello, fellow young people).

But but but…this post is not so lazy that I have failed to embed the trailer! Because I…am a PROFESSIONAL!!!!

So enjoy the trailer, and I’m going to go watch a YouTube video entitled “Top 7 Jared Leto Joker Cringes.”


Oh…also: RIP Deadspin and don’t forget to support quality blogging!

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