Criswell Predicts Your Incredible Future

Some people listen to Taylor Swift.

I listen to “Criswell Predicts Your Incredible Future.”

“I predict cabbage will be your #1 favorite vegetable next year.”

“I predict that crowns will be worn at a rakish angle, because they are hollow crowns.”

“I predict that our geologists will soon tell us that pigs once had wings. Will pigs be given wings once again, to flee from danger—the oncoming danger of a coming DOOMSDAY?”

The Amazing Criswell was a celebrity psychic who made his way into the Ed Wood (sacred be his name) pantheon of actors/personalities, appearing in the classic Plan 9 From Outer Space and the sorta-porn Orgy Of The Dead.

In this audio from a 1970 LP by “Horoscope Productions,” Criswell drops wisdom on the World Ahead Of Us.